Thursday, December 25, 2008
The Cullen Claus
'twas twilight before Christmas, and all through my house
Cullen creatures were stirring, including my spouse.
The strong traps were set by the chimney with care,
Oh, those sweet smelling rodents did not have a prayer.
We were sipping our cocktails of varying reds,
Watching fat tasty children outside on their sleds.
With Alice a'wrapping, and me on Edwards lap,
Poor Emmet was listening to Rosalie yap.
When from inside the kitchen, there arose such a clatter,
Esme dropped her mixing bowl full of blood-cookie batter!
I jumped from my seat when I heard the loud crash,
And we saw Santa running 'cross the yard in a flash!
We all heard him yelling, NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
And we saw Jasper chasing, with his eyes all aglow.
Then what to our hungry dark eyes do appear,
But eight savory prey in the form of reindeer!
With such a young vampire, so weak and so quick,
I was sure this would be the end of St. Nick!
He was sure to catch him, he had laid his claim,
To lose good old Santa would be such a shame!
Help Alice! Help Esme! Help Carlisle, I called!
Help Emmet! Help Roaslie! Help Edward, I bawled!
We must catch him quickly, we don't have much time!
Then up to the chimney I saw Santa climb.
Suddenly in a twinkling, he fell though the roof!
I had never met Santa, but now I had proof!
He hit the ground running, with a heart that did pound,
And suddenly vampires were circling around!
He was pale and shaking from his head to his foot,
When I suddenly yelled out, YOU BETTER STAY PUT!
Jasper was still hunting his Christmas Eve snack,
When the house filled with howls from an angry wolf pack!
Poor Santa just stood there, his fortune quite scary,
I was so sure this Christmas would soon lose it's Merry!
His poor little mouth was turned into a frown,
And werewolves were hoping for a Holiday showdown!
The dogs kept their distance, we thought them quite smelly,
And the jolly old round guy tried to suck in his belly!
He thought looking trimmer could ward off the teeth,
Then the Cullens trapped Jasper, in the shape of a wreath!
Santa was chubby, and smelled so good, he did!
I was thankful his reindeer had ran off and hid.
This could not be happening, it must be all in my head,
Then I heard Jasper whisper, you have nothing to dread.
I'll try to control it, this weird little quirk,
Even I know that Santa has important work!
And then with two fingers he held his nose closed,
Edward scooped up St. Nick, and he instantly froze!
Outside he took him, and put him into his sleigh,
He said, this Christmas you're lucky, now hurry away!
We watched as the wolves ran off into the night,
And we heard Santa chuckle as he flew out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all! Now it's MY turn to bite!