Fizzled.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm breaking up with Edward. It's best if I just come right out and say it, beating around the bush only leads to juvenile gossip and she-finally-realized-he's-too-old-for-her-talk. He'll get over me eventually, I mean, he has a lot of time on his hands and all...

I know, I know. We had our day, our tree-climbing, carefree days hiding from the sun and playing bite-me-no-yes-please-no-marry-me-first and running from that vile red-head. It saddens me to say this, but my dear, muddle-haired Edward has been dethroned.

We were -- um, I mean I was -- young, inexperienced and got caught up in the whole tough-guy routine. His eyes CHANGED ladies, how do you NOT fall all over yourself over THAT? He fed me. He could fly. He killed for me. And yet, eventually, the cold, marble chest that my head was supposed to rest on became nothing more than TMJ torture. Let's just say, it made for some cranky mornings.

We tried counseling. I won't answer any questions re: missing counselors in four not-to-be-mentioned states.

It's just not working. But it's okay, before you try to console me, I have news.

I'm in LOVE again! Yes! LOVE! He's FANTASTIC! He's WARM. He even has a heartbeat! He bleeds. More than I'd like, but he's a Gladiator, so it's to be expected. I don't mind blood anymore, considering my ex (and his family) and all. Remember the whole Santa ordeal? I'm more than used to it, so I'm totally okay with it, the whole blood thing, I mean. He swears the Gods have a plan to keep him safe, and so it seems, as so far they've favored him 100% of the time in the arena. It doesn't even bother me that he beheads people. I've seen all that before, with the vampire vs. smelly dogs vs. Voltori stuff.

You SO have to meet him!

His name is Spartacus.

Here he is after a fight. Obviously, he won.

But you totally have to see him after he showers.

He's hot, right?

He's really tough. Not vampire-in-an-alley-tough, but sword-in-your-chest-pulled-up-through-your-throat tough. I so upgraded, right? I KNOW. 

I feel bad for Edward and all, but sometimes a girl's just gotta do what a girl's gotta do. 

I kinda want to eat him. 

For those of you who aren't sold yet, or think Edward remains superior in anyway, I'm going to totally prove you wrong. I'm soon going to post "Michelle's Top Ten Reasons Why Spartacus is Better Than the Vampire Boy" list. 

It's gonna be a (swordless) slaughter-fest. I mean, he's pretty much faultless, really.